So, it's 2013 and ONCE AGAIN the world has not ended. Imagine that.
First and foremost, I'm posting again, making this NUMBER 3. This is remarkable given that it has been...a while. But why am I here?
A quick update, my grandmother passed away in November 2012. I'd like to say I'm upset about it, I really would, but I'm not. Vera Margaret Brain had become a lonely spiteful old bitch who took occasional pleasure in making her daughter (my mother) cry...and then chortle with amusement.
My grandmother made it her goal (one of many I'm certain) to be the victor in the vendetta with my Father. I do not truly know why she hated him so, although I have many theories.
(Okay, maybe not a quick update, but I just tend to let these things write themselves, it's not like I'm selling them or anything, this is my thing. STFU if you don't like it.)
<sigh>Fuck it, if you're here I more than likely pointed you here. Ergo, I can perhaps let a few things off my chest.
It's 1:34 in the morning. I've come home from work and I needed a shower badly, in the process I examined the state of my body in the mirror (still partially clothed, so no dirty thoughts). For the first time, I have REALLY noticed how I have changed since 12 years ago when I left home (for those who don't know, I was 15, I'm 27 now).
I have a small bulge in my paunch now, I have some muscle tone (needs work), I have a receding hairline. My hands are not the smooth hands of a young teen anymore. When I smile, parts of my face fold like a wet rag. Those who know me will laugh at these comments I'm sure, while others will feel insulted for they are my seniors and what the hell would I know about growing up?
About as much as they did when they first noticed this stuff. And yes, it scares me a little (read a lot). Upon truly noticing these things I did what I gather most folks do in this situation, I began to examine my life until now, and look where it was going. That which I have done, those I have known, and loved, and loathed, and who loathe me in return. The things I have done, I could have done, and those I should have done.
This is something of a strange experience for me, as in the past I have had to use coping mechanisms that have...shifted my personality in subtle ways so that I might remain sane. As such, many of my earlier memories are remembered not as me, but from a 3rd person view of someone I knew WAS me but I feel no connection with. Long story, moving on...
I miss my close friend Daniel (not me, a different one), who is now in the USA and I hope is doing well. I wish I spent more time with Rob and his clan, but I have my own now. I think I will always have a candle in my heart for a Lady I first met as my substitute teacher in high school. She was married when I first met her, and know shes married again. Fuck it, I don't care, I'll always have my love for a woman it would never work with. I miss Brendon, a guy who I was friends with during a very difficult stage in my life and ended up doing some pretty dumb shit, but last I heard has cleaned himself up and will hopefully make something of his life.
I see myself now in a relationship with a wonderful woman with 2 step-children to love and support through life. I have a kitty all to my own, along with many others to just simply cuddle and adore. I'm tired, in my heart. But when I had my shower I couldn't help but smile, because I HAVE LIVED, I AM LIVING. This is a supreme truth that people do not hear (even if they are told they have a hard time hearing)
This is my epiphany, that I AM LIVING MY LIFE. This coming from a man who did not think he would make it to the age of 18. I'm 27 now and the time is rushing past me. In truth? I don't care about the fact that time goes quicker now (it's called relativity). BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY OTHERS FIND IT SO SCARY. We are all afraid that we will look back on our lives and see it as a wasted thing and that we could have done more. Many run from it, escaping in various ways. Others are in a position to grasp greatness and make thier 'mark' on the world. The rest of us simply have to live for 80 odd years..Simple right? Of course not, life is challenging.
Regardless of what creed you all adhere to, it is a fairly safe bet to say that the life you have RIGHT NOW is unique, it will never happen again. As such you have a responsibility to YOURSELF to live it in a manner you can be at peace with come the end of your time.
I want this post to be something to turn to for guidance. I'm no guru, but I hope that my perspective can be food for thought.
Live your life. See the world around you (pay attention, this could be your own front yard). BUT try to do so in a way that does not harm others. We have evolved to the point where we can make such decisions, use this ability wisely.
Give a shit. A somewhat crass way of putting it, but true nonetheless. Teenagers in particular are prone to farcical apathy, but that does not make it acceptable. If something is important to you, try to make it happen, unless is will hurt others as according to above, then you need to give some serious thought before causing such hurt.
Life is not always fair, but that means you don't have to accept shitty odds. You have to ability to change your so-called 'fate' if you really want to. Just don't expect it to be easy. But if it's something you want to do, give it your best.
Avoid doing live journal entries at 2:30 in the morning when you have kids: Oops. Thanks for reading, thanks for listening. Congrats if these make a difference in your life. Night